Archive | relationships RSS feed for this section

OUR DEEPEST FEAR

By on April 10, 2012 in inspiration, life, nature, philosophy, relationships, Uncategorized

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

~ Marianne Williamson

image: toltecartist.wordpress.com

 

Powerful forces of change are afoot in the world today. Yet we can still experience peace in our daily lives. Moving into a place of hope and positivity is a choice, though sometimes it surely seems otherwise. However with practice, I’m convinced that it’s within the grasp of most anyone, for each decision and movement we make is based in freedom or from fear.

In The Four Agreements, Don Miguel Ruiz expands on his philosophy that we live life in a dream. This societal dream is one in which we are immersed from an early age. Based on dominance, control and fear, it reveres technology while ignoring our sacred relationship to earth and the natural world. We are reminded that knowledge lies within each of us. Becoming aware of it is the challenge of our human condition. Ruiz teaches that “We go deep into hell and we suffer in order to acquire awareness … To get from hell, we need awareness which we acquire through intent and spirit … Heaven is a place without fear.”

Toltecs perceive humans as part of the earth’s greater ecosystem. As plants convert the sun’s energy through photosynthesis, so humans recycle energy back through emotional energies. We work for the earth twenty-four hours a day, just like the bees and the ants. “The work we do for the planet is to make emotions. Making emotions is the main function of the human mind.”

The prime emotion we may move toward when we release trepidation is love. Ruiz studies all the world’s major spiritual traditions, discovering a common thread of love running throughout. Churches teach it, so do parents. Often however, the kinds of love we see demonstrated carry a charge of fear – from the fire and brimstone preacher to individuals who give love with strings attached. True love is unconditional and cannot exist in the presence of fear. We fail to experience it while under the threat of losing it if we do the wrong thing.

Many Western religions scorn the physical body and its propensity for desire and physical love. Yet if we dissociate from our bodies because we’ve learned not to trust them and to fear their sensate nature, we break faith with the natural world and deny our inherent knowing. The body conveys consciousness into the world. In addition, spiritual practice with an unquiet mind in abandonment of the physical body is like driving a car with our eyes shut and our hands off the wheel. Most physical and mental exercise in our society is based on this sort of driven philosophy, where we push ourselves beyond endurance to “perfect” the body or to “challenge” the mind.

Perhaps we are less afraid of our inadequacies than of not measuring up to some perceived standard. Realize such standards are set to rein in the masses and foster social order. They then are disseminated by the minions of media, hypnotizing many into believing their mandates. As far as I can see however, our spirits are limitless. Accessing the truth of this allows us to blossom and flower into our full potential as sentient human beings, contributing to a more peaceful and just planetary community. We become the change, liberating ourselves and others, instead of kicking back, zoning out and becoming swept up in its jaw-clenching grip.

image: beautiful-tree.blogspot.com

 

Comments { 2 }

The Highly Sensitive Person

By on March 14, 2012 in health, inspiration, people, philosophy, relationships, Uncategorized

Are you a sensitive person? Perhaps you’re familiar with the saying, “Be in the world, not of the world.” It can be very difficult for a sensitive, open person to participate in the reality most human beings seem comfortable with. For if we honor our senses, if we approach others with openness and honesty, one of two things might happen. We could experience another person respecting our willingness to be fully authentic and present with them, or we might be taken advantage of. How do we interact with others, then – how do we strive for authenticity while remaining on guard? How can a sensitive person learn to function in a society which, in effect, asks us to “toughen up and get over it?”

Elaine Aron, in The Highly Sensitive Person, asks not that we get over our sensitivities, but, in effect, to get with them and learn to honor ourselves just as we are. A general trait of highly sensitive people is that we have no control over stimulation. And though some of us can get used to certain stimulations, overstimulation still depletes us. When we feel depleted, it seems to me that some of us retreat into ourselves and others lash out (as if to say Leave me alone! without quite knowing how to ask). Waiting until we are grossly over-stimulated can create several unpleasant scenarios. One might be that we unintentionally hurt others. Then we are bound to feel badly about ourselves.

Society and many of our family members do not like it when we seem to require special treatment (thus we need to learn to treat ourselves with care). Another consequence of failing to honor our needs is that we push ourselves until we become ill. In both cases, we can learn to appreciate our sensitivities and set guidelines to help us cope. This begins with more fully exploring who we are and what we are made of, so that we might better understand what our needs might be.

When my children were young, we lived out in the country. Coming from a large family myself, I didn’t get a lot of one-on-one time with my parents while growing up. After bringing my daughters into the world, I was determined to give them what I felt I did not get enough of, including time and parental attention. As young girls, they wanted to interact with others and to experience the world outside familiar surroundings. One of the only ways for them to do this, given where we lived and the lack of structured youth activities, was by visiting a distant city or even the mall! No matter when they asked to go somewhere, I would drop what I was doing and arrange a trip. After all, they didn’t ask very often and I was their only mode of transportation. But at certain times, I felt so overwhelmed that, during our drive, I would blurt out in frustration, “I just can’t do this one more time! Can’t you just be satisfied being home?” and so on. Taken aback, one of them would invariably respond, “Well, Mom, why didn’t you just say ‘no’?” 

Though saying ‘no’ seems simple to me now, at the time it seemed absurd. As a highly sensitive person, I recognized the incredible gift I was given in mothering my daughters. I wanted them to be exposed to art, music, culture, friends. I wanted them to have all I could provide, putting myself last on the list. If you are a parent, perhaps you know what I mean. However when we put ourselves last, we invariably grow to resent it. We can’t draw water from a dry well. No matter how much we love those we are here to serve, we need to serve ourselves first, in a profound way. This doesn’t mean we are selfish. It does mean we learn to honor our need for rest, introspection and regrouping. As we do this, we set a healthy example for others to follow, including our children.

We live in a very driven culture, and increasingly, a driven world. Sensitive or not, we all need to stop and refuel. Yet the sensitive person needs down-time. If you are one of “us,” please stop waiting for someone to give you permission to live your life. Stop simply hoping others will treat you kindly, the way you would treat them. You might be waiting a very long time. Start with honoring your own feelings, treating yourself with respect. (If you have trouble doing this, honor yourself enough to get help.) Learn to ask for what you need and stick with it. Don’t backdoor your needs by trying to earn others’ approval first. As Rick Nelson sang in Garden Party, “You can’t please everyone, so you got to please yourself.”

 

image: Scott Parrish

 

And to view Rick Nelson performing Garden Party:

watch?v=fxdiraVxwkI

Comments { 2 }

I’m Looking Through You (Where Did You Go?)

By on March 1, 2012 in love, psychology, relationships, Uncategorized

I’m looking through you

Where did you go?

I thought I knew you

What did I know?

You don’t look different, but you have changed

I’m looking through you

You’re not the same.

~ Lennon & McCartney

This song runs through my head occasionally, along with the reminder that if I don’t like something about another person, the need to change lies within me. It matters not what another says, who they are, what they represent. The closer in proximity, the tighter the relationship, the stronger the message and/or the reflection.

I’m looking through another person when I expect them to give me something only I can provide for myself. I’m not truly seeing them, only my desire for whatever it is I want met, and now. And I’m not honoring this unique individual and their equally challenging life, nor empathizing with their own complex inner turmoil or even acknowledging a possible attempt at providing what it is I’m looking for. Lost in my own illusion, I’m spiraling into the orbit of my own personal galaxy. Not only am I miserable, I am contributing to the misery of another.

You’re thinking of me the same old way

You were above me, but not today

The only difference is you’re down there

I’m looking through you,

And you’re nowhere.

How humans wish for another to be that image of perfection toward which we strive, for whom we sacrifice so very much! If only they would cooperate as our ideal, life could be smooth, even sublime. This illusion is fostered through, among other things, romanticism spoon-fed us by the media. And the consequence of attempting to maintain a fantasy is perpetual disappointment. If we want real love and/or enduring relationship, we need only discover our own fundamental loving nature. From that wellspring of caring, we sow seeds that pop up like wildflowers in fields of enduring reflection.

Life stretches onward with challenges, that being its nature. Yet contentment grows, despite obstacles, as we discover a deeper peace than we believed possible when accepting responsibility for our own value. Instead of frustration and time wasted in futile efforts to bend another’s will, we discover the grace inherent in letting another person truly be, flowering into and unto themselves. And we discover, deep within, an innate joy in granting this gift, to and from our own authentic beloved selves.

 

photo credit: Bela Johnson

 

Beatles- I’m Looking Through You

 

Comments { 0 }

YOU ARE THE DIAMOND

By on February 21, 2012 in inspiration, relationships, spirituality, Uncategorized

image: cheekyangels at flicker.com

 

From birth to death, life is steeped in paradox. Like the diamond, we begin as fairly humble material. As human beings grow to physical maturity however, the depths to which one may be moved in acts of loving kindness is matched only by another’s capacity for venomous hatred. The creative expression of a Michelangelo and the destructive acts of a Hitler can melt our hearts with joy or sorrow in their turn, as we are ultimately confronted with our own proportionate creative and destructive potential. Most of us live somewhere in the muddy middle, though we all experience thoughts which constantly draw us to and fro, back and forth between right and wrong, good and bad, love and hate. Yet as surely as a lump of coal quietly strives to become the diamond, we are drawn to the refractive brilliance of the polished gem within. For the human soul, transformation holds that kind of allure.

We live in challenging times. Figures such as Saddam Hussein and Osama Bin Laden personify our collective Shadow. The war on terrorism uses fear and aggression in an attempt to eradicate these undesirable elements and, in the process, becomes a representation of the Shadow, itself. Patriotism has become just another excuse for righteous anger, but there is no such thing as a holy war. War itself is the most unholy act on the planet – the taking of lives, many of them innocent, in the name of justice.

We might discover common ground with our enemies, but this cannot happen until enough of us face the harsh reality of our own inner foes. The Shadow is part of collective consciousness. We cannot eradicate it; we are dealing with a primal force. We can, however, face it in ourselves and work on accepting, loving and integrating our denied qualities. At this point in time, might we break the tension of extremes? War feeds Shadow elements of hatred, oppression, prejudice, racism and more. When we chase that Shadow outside ourselves, we collectively energize leaders to point fingers at.

How might we encourage transformation on a daily basis? Fear of our own quixotic nature may be the single biggest obstacle to the changes we so desperately seek. How might we unconsciously sabotage our own noble efforts? The process of disentangling threads of fear which intersect the fabric of our lives is onerous as it is rewarding, and there are few shortcuts. We can only face what comes to us and do our best. Like a lump of coal, we are imperfect. Remembering the potential of that coal however, we refine our character over time by meeting ourselves and others as honestly as we are able.

Goethe asserts that behavior is a mirror in which everyone shows his image. All human beings share common emotions. If someone’s behavior triggers us, our power lies in being able to sit with feelings that emerge, rather than blaming that individual for possessing elements denied within. Labeling another may ring true, but searching inside for these traits gifts us with the power to transform them. As we heal through acceptance and unconditional love for ourselves, we are able to witness character defects in another with greater compassion and unconditional reception. As we practice this skillfully, the most resistant among us opens to communication. We become examples for others to follow. We become what singer/songwriter Carole Isis terms diamonds in the heart of all life.

 

(The following link will lead you to Carole’s performance of You Are The Diamond):

watch?v=KKtA-h_MTnk&context=C36bef40ADOEgsToPDskJWZZjCNeTsBicms23OSDoc

 

                       

Comments { 2 }

Woman’s Guide to Everything: Sex and the Brain

By on November 16, 2011 in health, lifestyles, love, philosophy, psychology, relationships, Uncategorized

This article is reposted from chezgigi.com

image: the incomparable Alex Grey

Sex and the brain continues with a look at obsession, and the physiological responses to heartache. There is a reason the loss of love hurts so much. When someone has left us in a puddle of grief and desperation, or we have left someone with a cheery ‘ta-ta!’ and no backward glance, there is a chemical imbalance in the brain. It doesn’t just affect the brain either; intense emotional distress, according to the September 2011 Prevention issue, taps into the same neural pathways as physical pain. For a heartache, they suggest taking acetaminophen. It may or may not help, but at least it may head off that hangover when you decide to drink your heartache into oblivion. This actually works best for men, and is only a short-term solution, so don’t get too excited.

The physical ramifications of a broken heart are very real. They can leave scars on the psyche as real as any gained through an accident. The wounds linger for years, whereas the pain from physical wounds are forgotten. If they weren’t, no doubt most children would be only children.

There is actually a name for the condition of longing for a love object.  It is called ‘limerence.’ Whether your affection is returned or not, nothing can satiate the longing for emotional reciprocation. I’ve been through this; a million years ago, as a schoolgirl, I can remember having a hopeless crush on some boy or other at school. Oh, how I loved him, while I loved him! Fortunately, these episodes were short-lived, and I was able to move on to the next grade, and the next boy, but there are some people afflicted by this hapless emotion for sixty years!

The beginning of a relationship is the ‘honeymoon,’ when both parties are smitten, and a volatile mix of chemicals are coursing through their veins, making sure they bond, and fall in love, and continue the human race. If it seems good to stay together, this period wears off in about six months, and hormones balance out. For those stuck in the limerence stage, there are heart palpitations, shortness of breath, loss of sleep, and an aching in the chest or abdomen. So, you are either having a panic attack, catching the flu, or you are obsessed. Generally, a person will fixate on someone for three to five years, and then transfer their affections to someone else.

Like those brain worms you get when a song is stuck in your head, obsessive thoughts and longing for your love object originate in your brain. Scientists are studying which parts of the brain are affected by limerence, but in the meantime, there are twelve-step programs, and cognitive behavioral therapy. All these options for treatment sounds as if therapists view it as being suffered mainly by women, which if true, is just plain stupid. How many men do we hear of every day, who are hopelessly obsessed with someone? Usually restraining orders have to be taken out, though.

In 1869, when Freud was still a teenager, women with this condition were treated with pelvic massage, administered by a big, steam-powered vibrator. This no doubt gave them orgasms, which women were probably not allowed to have many of, but if administered by a doctor, were probably viewed as morally proper, and for medicinal purposes only. This treatment, while fun, did not, and does not ‘cure’ the person. It merely makes the time go by faster.

When we love someone, they actually take up residence in our brains. They reside in the nerve-cell pathways, and the neurons and synapses of our minds. When we lose them, through death, divorce, or break up, our brains become confused and disoriented. We expect to be able to see, hear, and touch them. Death especially, feels disorienting, as if the person is just around the corner, as if we can turn and speak to them.

In Sex and the Brain by Daniel G. Amen, he writes that overactivity in the limbic brain has been associated with depression, and low serotonin levels, which is why we have trouble sleeping, and lose our appetite. This part of the brain actually becomes inflamed like a physical wound when we experience the loss of a loved one. There is a corresponding deficit in endorphins, which may be responsible for the physical pain we feel after a break up or loss. That makes it doubly important to take care of physical needs, such as exercising.  At least, you can create endorphins that way. It never hurts to write out your feelings, either. And while you’re at it, write out your beloved’s faults. Focusing on their bad points can help you move on.

Comments { 0 }

Damsel in Distress

By on November 7, 2011 in culture, health, life, philosophy, relationships, spirituality, Uncategorized

The Damsel in Distress may be the oldest female archetype in all of popular literature and the movies. She is always beautiful, vulnerable, and in need of rescue, specifically by a Knight and, once rescued, she is taken care of in lavish style. When disappointed, a Damsel must go through a process of empowerment and learn to take care of herself in the world. The shadow side of this archetype mistakenly teaches old patriarchal views that women are weak and teaches them to be helpless and in need of protection. It leads a woman to expect to have someone else who will fight her battles for her while she remains devoted and physically attractive and concealed in the castle. Many women still expect to marry a man who will give them a castle and take of them. And some men are raised to expect to do this (see Prince and Knight).

The Damsel’s fear of going it alone is holds the Damsel/Knight relationship together. It also often shatters the relationship when the Prince or Knight grows older and expects to have a perennially young, attractive Princess at his beck and call. The Princess inevitably grows older even if she remains helpless. Or she becomes more interested in the outside world, develops skills and competencies and is unable to maintain the same old dynamic of dependency. Either way, most Damsel/Prince relationships ultimately find that they change or fail. The Damsel/Princess must ultimately learn to fight her own battles and evolve into a Queen.

The Princess is more often associated with romance rather than distress. She awaits a Knight who is worthy of her beauty and rank and will take her not to his castle but to a palace. The castles that Damsels are taken to have prisons, cold stone walls, drawbridges, and moats. Palaces are fantastically beautiful and charmed and are associated with ballrooms and elegance. The common (archetypal) expression, “Daddy’s little Princess” implies an adoring father who brings up his daughter surrounded by beauty and abundance. There is no “Daddy’s little Damsel in Distress.” The Princess and the Damsel, however, both are taught to be helpless and do share a yearning for a Knight as a partner in life, the implication being that without a Knight, they are powerless in this world. The challenge inherent in these archetypal patterns, therefore, is to do for yourself what you expect the Knight to do for you–provide and protect yourself.

The Princess archetype is also influenced by our colloquial use of the term and especially its heavy freight of anti-feminist connotations of a woman who is overly demanding, as in “Jewish-American Princess” or in the story of the Princess and the Pea. Even when used positively, the word can imply an unreal, bland, or cosseted character, like the teenage daughter nicknamed Princess on the TV series Father Knows Best. But a genuine Princess looks out not for her own comfort and whimsy but for the welfare of those around her. In Asian, tales abound of clever and resourceful Princesses, of conflicts between schools of martial arts for instance in which a Prince and Princess battle it out, as depicted in the Ang Lee film Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon. And Scheherezade bravely married the sultan who had decided to kill all his new wives at daybreak, and beguiled him with tales for a thousand and one nights until he rescinded his decree, thus saving all the women.

In reviewing your relationship to this archetype, return to your fantasies as a young girl and note what your expectations were in looking for a mate. Most significantly, were you (or are you) consciously or unconsciously awaiting the arrival of your Knight in Shining “Amour”? Did you think or behave like a Damsel? Were you hoping to be rescued? And if you are now coping with the consequences of a broken relationship, can you trace the reasons for the failed partnership back to being disappointed that your expectations as Damsel were not met?

Films: Pearl White in the Perils of Pauline silent films; Fay Wray in King Kong; Betty Hutton in The Perils of Pauline; Jean Simmons in Young Bess; Robin Wright in The Princess Bride; Carrie Fisher as Princess Leia in the Star Wars Trilogy; Ingrid Bergman in Anastasia; Gwyneth Paltrow in Shakespeare in Love; Kate Winslet in Titanic; Jeff Daniels in Something Wild.

Fiction: Gone with the Wind, by Margaret Mitchell; Emma by Jane Austin.

Fairy Tales: Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, Rapunzel, Cinderella.

Religion/Myth: Ko-no-Hana (in Shinto belief, the Japanese Blossom Princess, who symbolizes the delicate aspects of earthly life); Io (in Greek myth, a princess and the daughter of a river god, who suffered continually as the object of Zeus’s lust); Princess Aigiarm (strong, valiant daughter of Mongolian King Kaidu who offered herself in marriage to any suitor who could wrestle her down but who, if he lost, had to give her a horse. She never married, and won 10,000 horses).

~ myss.com

 

image: Frank Bernard Dicksee's "Chivalry"

Comments { 0 }