We know the slate is wiped clean at birth,
but I doubt any of us knows just how thorough
the purge, and it has taken most of my lifetime
to discover who, exactly, my authentic self
might be, I cannot blame earnest teachers,
controlling parents, there is no one but myself
to bring to account for successes or failures;
I might say cultural, parental, educational
conditioning formed the child I was, though
I suspect I was the proverbial blank canvas,
and how else to discover how I fit in but to
open myself to these various influences,
having no independent means by which
to support myself, being then a reed
in the wind, clay in the hands of the potter,
oh yes, there is no one to blame for how I,
confused vessel that I was, turned out, no,
I had some choice, some small voice,
which was determined to be expressed,
even if awkward, and yet;
If I was told I had total agency, I knew
nothing of how to use it, and what did I want
to Be? Asked the school counselors, to which,
had I the temerity or self awareness to answer
honestly, I might have replied, Anything,
Everything! I think most creatives can relate,
how could the vast river that flowed within me
be channeled into such a narrow sluiceway;
above all, I wanted freedom, I needed liberty
to explore all avenues open, how is it we are
urged toward a college major as juniors
in high school? All I wanted was out, out!
Knowing nothing of the world I longed
to be part of;
Turn me loose onto green pastures,
let me determine which plants nourish,
which can kill, what luminaries in the sky
shine the brightest overhead, what gods
whisper my name, as long as the search
is on, let it be a grand voyage
of discovery.
above the Rio Grande Gorge, Northern New Mexico ~ bj 2023
Your posts prise open a door into my cluttered mind and shine a light into dark corners. Perhaps it is the beginning of self knowledge, even at such a late age. I recall the first ‘grownup’ book that I read at the age of 10 or 11, Thor Heyerdahl’s ‘The Kon-Tiki Expedition’; a grand voyage of discovery, from Callao in Peru to Tahiti on a raft of balsa wood! I know that many of his theories have been disproven and even though my path was on a different trajectory, that journey of adventure has never left me. I think what I’m rediscovering is that feeling of wonder!
I am so happy if I have any part in that! It’s never too late to open those doors! Thanks, Ashley! 💓
🌹💓🙋♂️
You are a true child of nature connecting back to Source. I loved every word of this. Being human isn’t easy. Thank you Bela. 💐🙏🏻💕
Much appreciated, Val! And yes, child of nature, tis true. 💓💓💓
Your landscapes are just magnificent ☺
Thank you! We are blessed to live in some of the most extraordinary places. After 17 years in the sub topics, it took some getting used to. But we are happy to be here. 🙏❤️
Beautifully penned, Bela! ‘Becoming’ is a poorly taught thing for most of us.
Isn’t it!? Thanks, Eliza. 🙏💜
They ask, but they don’t listen.
I think more and more that after high school young people should try different things before deciding to even go to college. I don’t think national service is a bad idea. Meet different people. Work together at something worthwhile. Ask questions. Grow into who you are. (K)
Kerfe, I could not agree more. And due to and thanks to my parents’ divorce, I took a few courses at city college which I already was doing in high school 🙄 and then just simply went to work for a few years. I went back to get my degree in my late 30’s. It was time! And I’m so glad I waited. Yes, who knows what the heck kids want to do fresh out of high school, except what their parents or others suspect they might be good at. Maybe some are that self driven, (I don’t know anyone like that) but I’m sure they exist.
My high school counselor was a darling man. I am sure he would have listened, had I a clue. Lots was going on at home, and I suspect he knew more than he shared with me. So in this case, this man did listen. But I agree, most probably do not. 🙏💕
I did manage to support myself with my associate’s degree from FIT. But I would have been better off taking a different path.
Yup. I get it! 😉
” I think most creatives can relate,
how could the vast river that flowed within me
be channeled into such a narrow sluiceway;
above all, I wanted freedom,” – Aye, I feel you Bela, I wanted to be everything, but the pathways presented were so narrow; thin alleyways holding us back when we needed to see the expanse from the rooftops. Still, now is good, now we can see and that alone is a kind of freedom <3
– Esme hugging Bela upon the Cloud
Yes! Seeing is, indeed, the freedom we perhaps wished for. Just seeing/knowing, then we could convey ourselves to the next step on the journey SO much easier, it would seem. But then again, I expect the steps, themselves were a crucial part of the learning. Perhaps this is what some mean by wishing they knew then what they know now, but here we are, in any case. Can’t go back, save for in memory. And then we can be selective! 🙂
Hugs back, my friend! xoxo
Society wants to channel us via the route of conforming and not by allowing us to see we are all of us unique with unique gifts each to be moulded and nurtured… If we allowed ALL children lose out in nature, I am sure it wouldn’t be long before we each discovered ourselves more deeply and what it was we were best at creating.
I don’t think nature did a bad job in allowing Bela to find more of herself in the land among her plants.. 🙂
Much love your way Bela xx <3
Ha ha, yes, long time nature child here, as I am sure it has been a lifelong pursuit for you! Thanks as always for your kind and wise responses! Love you. 💜