Tag Archives | relationships

Thoreau, revisited …

I have been rereading Walden by Henry David Thoreau – which I’ve not perused in over 30 years. To think that a man not yet thirty wrote this is truly profound. His observations are both incisive as well as insightful – considering they were written in 1845! And though thankfully times have changed for both men and women, I still discover wisdom in his prose. Herewith some of my favorite excerpts, so far – shortened to exact meaning and not to disrespect the author:

Most men … are so occupied with the factitious cares and superfluously coarse labors of life that its finer fruits cannot be plucked by them. He has no time to be anything but a machine. How can he remember well his ignorance – which his growth requires – who has so often to use his knowledge? We should feed and clothe him gratuitously sometimes, and recruit him with our cordials, before we judge of him. The finest qualities of our nature, like the bloom on fruits, can be preserved only by the most delicate handling. Yet we do not treat ourselves nor one another thus tenderly.

I sometimes wonder that we can be so frivolous, I may almost say, as to attend to the gross but somewhat foreign form[s] of servitude … there are so many keen and subtle masters … worst of all when you are the slave-driver of yourself. Talk of a divinity in man! How godlike, how immortal is he? See how he cowers and sneaks, how vaguely all the day he fears, not being immortal nor divine, but the slave and prisoner of his own opinion of himself. Public opinion is a weak tyrant compared with our own private opinion. What a man thinks of himself, that it is which determines, or rather indicates, his fate. Think also of the ladies of the land weaving toilet cushions against the last day, not to betray too green an interest in their fates! As if you could kill time without injuring eternity.

Who shall say what prospect life offers to another? Could a greater miracle take place than for us to look through each other’s eyes for an instant? We should live in all the ages of the world in an hour; ay, in all the worlds of the ages. I know of no reading of another’s experience so startling and informing as this would be.

Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes, and not rather a new wearer of clothes. If there is not a new man, how can the new clothes be made to fit? If you have any enterprise before you, try it in your old clothes. Perhaps we should never procure a new suit, however ragged or dirty the old, until we have so conducted, so enterprised or sailed in some way, that we feel like new men in the old.

I would rather sit on a pumpkin and have it all to myself than be crowded on a velvet cushion.

We now no longer camp as for a night, but have settled down on earth and forgotten heaven.

And I’ve not yet gotten to page forty! Hope you enjoyed reflecting on these as much as I did.

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I’m Looking Through You (Where Did You Go?)

I’m looking through you

Where did you go?

I thought I knew you

What did I know?

You don’t look different, but you have changed

I’m looking through you

You’re not the same.

~ Lennon & McCartney

This song runs through my head occasionally, along with the reminder that if I don’t like something about another person, the need to change lies within me. It matters not what another says, who they are, what they represent. The closer in proximity, the tighter the relationship, the stronger the message and/or the reflection.

I’m looking through another person when I expect them to give me something only I can provide for myself. I’m not truly seeing them, only my desire for whatever it is I want met, and now. And I’m not honoring this unique individual and their equally challenging life, nor empathizing with their own complex inner turmoil or even acknowledging a possible attempt at providing what it is I’m looking for. Lost in my own illusion, I’m spiraling into the orbit of my own personal galaxy. Not only am I miserable, I am contributing to the misery of another.

You’re thinking of me the same old way

You were above me, but not today

The only difference is you’re down there

I’m looking through you,

And you’re nowhere.

How humans wish for another to be that image of perfection toward which we strive, for whom we sacrifice so very much! If only they would cooperate as our ideal, life could be smooth, even sublime. This illusion is fostered through, among other things, romanticism spoon-fed us by the media. And the consequence of attempting to maintain a fantasy is perpetual disappointment. If we want real love and/or enduring relationship, we need only discover our own fundamental loving nature. From that wellspring of caring, we sow seeds that pop up like wildflowers in fields of enduring reflection.

Life stretches onward with challenges, that being its nature. Yet contentment grows, despite obstacles, as we discover a deeper peace than we believed possible when accepting responsibility for our own value. Instead of frustration and time wasted in futile efforts to bend another’s will, we discover the grace inherent in letting another person truly be, flowering into and unto themselves. And we discover, deep within, an innate joy in granting this gift, to and from our own authentic beloved selves.

 

photo credit: Bela Johnson

 

Beatles- I’m Looking Through You

 

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Damsel in Distress

The Damsel in Distress may be the oldest female archetype in all of popular literature and the movies. She is always beautiful, vulnerable, and in need of rescue, specifically by a Knight and, once rescued, she is taken care of in lavish style. When disappointed, a Damsel must go through a process of empowerment and learn to take care of herself in the world. The shadow side of this archetype mistakenly teaches old patriarchal views that women are weak and teaches them to be helpless and in need of protection. It leads a woman to expect to have someone else who will fight her battles for her while she remains devoted and physically attractive and concealed in the castle. Many women still expect to marry a man who will give them a castle and take of them. And some men are raised to expect to do this (see Prince and Knight).

The Damsel’s fear of going it alone is holds the Damsel/Knight relationship together. It also often shatters the relationship when the Prince or Knight grows older and expects to have a perennially young, attractive Princess at his beck and call. The Princess inevitably grows older even if she remains helpless. Or she becomes more interested in the outside world, develops skills and competencies and is unable to maintain the same old dynamic of dependency. Either way, most Damsel/Prince relationships ultimately find that they change or fail. The Damsel/Princess must ultimately learn to fight her own battles and evolve into a Queen.

The Princess is more often associated with romance rather than distress. She awaits a Knight who is worthy of her beauty and rank and will take her not to his castle but to a palace. The castles that Damsels are taken to have prisons, cold stone walls, drawbridges, and moats. Palaces are fantastically beautiful and charmed and are associated with ballrooms and elegance. The common (archetypal) expression, “Daddy’s little Princess” implies an adoring father who brings up his daughter surrounded by beauty and abundance. There is no “Daddy’s little Damsel in Distress.” The Princess and the Damsel, however, both are taught to be helpless and do share a yearning for a Knight as a partner in life, the implication being that without a Knight, they are powerless in this world. The challenge inherent in these archetypal patterns, therefore, is to do for yourself what you expect the Knight to do for you–provide and protect yourself.

The Princess archetype is also influenced by our colloquial use of the term and especially its heavy freight of anti-feminist connotations of a woman who is overly demanding, as in “Jewish-American Princess” or in the story of the Princess and the Pea. Even when used positively, the word can imply an unreal, bland, or cosseted character, like the teenage daughter nicknamed Princess on the TV series Father Knows Best. But a genuine Princess looks out not for her own comfort and whimsy but for the welfare of those around her. In Asian, tales abound of clever and resourceful Princesses, of conflicts between schools of martial arts for instance in which a Prince and Princess battle it out, as depicted in the Ang Lee film Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon. And Scheherezade bravely married the sultan who had decided to kill all his new wives at daybreak, and beguiled him with tales for a thousand and one nights until he rescinded his decree, thus saving all the women.

In reviewing your relationship to this archetype, return to your fantasies as a young girl and note what your expectations were in looking for a mate. Most significantly, were you (or are you) consciously or unconsciously awaiting the arrival of your Knight in Shining “Amour”? Did you think or behave like a Damsel? Were you hoping to be rescued? And if you are now coping with the consequences of a broken relationship, can you trace the reasons for the failed partnership back to being disappointed that your expectations as Damsel were not met?

Films: Pearl White in the Perils of Pauline silent films; Fay Wray in King Kong; Betty Hutton in The Perils of Pauline; Jean Simmons in Young Bess; Robin Wright in The Princess Bride; Carrie Fisher as Princess Leia in the Star Wars Trilogy; Ingrid Bergman in Anastasia; Gwyneth Paltrow in Shakespeare in Love; Kate Winslet in Titanic; Jeff Daniels in Something Wild.

Fiction: Gone with the Wind, by Margaret Mitchell; Emma by Jane Austin.

Fairy Tales: Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, Rapunzel, Cinderella.

Religion/Myth: Ko-no-Hana (in Shinto belief, the Japanese Blossom Princess, who symbolizes the delicate aspects of earthly life); Io (in Greek myth, a princess and the daughter of a river god, who suffered continually as the object of Zeus’s lust); Princess Aigiarm (strong, valiant daughter of Mongolian King Kaidu who offered herself in marriage to any suitor who could wrestle her down but who, if he lost, had to give her a horse. She never married, and won 10,000 horses).

~ myss.com

 

image: Frank Bernard Dicksee's "Chivalry"

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