Tag Archives | compassion

I’m Looking Through You (Where Did You Go?)

By on March 1, 2012 in love, psychology, relationships, Uncategorized

I’m looking through you

Where did you go?

I thought I knew you

What did I know?

You don’t look different, but you have changed

I’m looking through you

You’re not the same.

~ Lennon & McCartney

This song runs through my head occasionally, along with the reminder that if I don’t like something about another person, the need to change lies within me. It matters not what another says, who they are, what they represent. The closer in proximity, the tighter the relationship, the stronger the message and/or the reflection.

I’m looking through another person when I expect them to give me something only I can provide for myself. I’m not truly seeing them, only my desire for whatever it is I want met, and now. And I’m not honoring this unique individual and their equally challenging life, nor empathizing with their own complex inner turmoil or even acknowledging a possible attempt at providing what it is I’m looking for. Lost in my own illusion, I’m spiraling into the orbit of my own personal galaxy. Not only am I miserable, I am contributing to the misery of another.

You’re thinking of me the same old way

You were above me, but not today

The only difference is you’re down there

I’m looking through you,

And you’re nowhere.

How humans wish for another to be that image of perfection toward which we strive, for whom we sacrifice so very much! If only they would cooperate as our ideal, life could be smooth, even sublime. This illusion is fostered through, among other things, romanticism spoon-fed us by the media. And the consequence of attempting to maintain a fantasy is perpetual disappointment. If we want real love and/or enduring relationship, we need only discover our own fundamental loving nature. From that wellspring of caring, we sow seeds that pop up like wildflowers in fields of enduring reflection.

Life stretches onward with challenges, that being its nature. Yet contentment grows, despite obstacles, as we discover a deeper peace than we believed possible when accepting responsibility for our own value. Instead of frustration and time wasted in futile efforts to bend another’s will, we discover the grace inherent in letting another person truly be, flowering into and unto themselves. And we discover, deep within, an innate joy in granting this gift, to and from our own authentic beloved selves.

 

photo credit: Bela Johnson

 

Beatles- I’m Looking Through You

 

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YOU ARE THE DIAMOND

By on February 21, 2012 in inspiration, relationships, spirituality, Uncategorized

image: cheekyangels at flicker.com

 

From birth to death, life is steeped in paradox. Like the diamond, we begin as fairly humble material. As human beings grow to physical maturity however, the depths to which one may be moved in acts of loving kindness is matched only by another’s capacity for venomous hatred. The creative expression of a Michelangelo and the destructive acts of a Hitler can melt our hearts with joy or sorrow in their turn, as we are ultimately confronted with our own proportionate creative and destructive potential. Most of us live somewhere in the muddy middle, though we all experience thoughts which constantly draw us to and fro, back and forth between right and wrong, good and bad, love and hate. Yet as surely as a lump of coal quietly strives to become the diamond, we are drawn to the refractive brilliance of the polished gem within. For the human soul, transformation holds that kind of allure.

We live in challenging times. Figures such as Saddam Hussein and Osama Bin Laden personify our collective Shadow. The war on terrorism uses fear and aggression in an attempt to eradicate these undesirable elements and, in the process, becomes a representation of the Shadow, itself. Patriotism has become just another excuse for righteous anger, but there is no such thing as a holy war. War itself is the most unholy act on the planet – the taking of lives, many of them innocent, in the name of justice.

We might discover common ground with our enemies, but this cannot happen until enough of us face the harsh reality of our own inner foes. The Shadow is part of collective consciousness. We cannot eradicate it; we are dealing with a primal force. We can, however, face it in ourselves and work on accepting, loving and integrating our denied qualities. At this point in time, might we break the tension of extremes? War feeds Shadow elements of hatred, oppression, prejudice, racism and more. When we chase that Shadow outside ourselves, we collectively energize leaders to point fingers at.

How might we encourage transformation on a daily basis? Fear of our own quixotic nature may be the single biggest obstacle to the changes we so desperately seek. How might we unconsciously sabotage our own noble efforts? The process of disentangling threads of fear which intersect the fabric of our lives is onerous as it is rewarding, and there are few shortcuts. We can only face what comes to us and do our best. Like a lump of coal, we are imperfect. Remembering the potential of that coal however, we refine our character over time by meeting ourselves and others as honestly as we are able.

Goethe asserts that behavior is a mirror in which everyone shows his image. All human beings share common emotions. If someone’s behavior triggers us, our power lies in being able to sit with feelings that emerge, rather than blaming that individual for possessing elements denied within. Labeling another may ring true, but searching inside for these traits gifts us with the power to transform them. As we heal through acceptance and unconditional love for ourselves, we are able to witness character defects in another with greater compassion and unconditional reception. As we practice this skillfully, the most resistant among us opens to communication. We become examples for others to follow. We become what singer/songwriter Carole Isis terms diamonds in the heart of all life.

 

(The following link will lead you to Carole’s performance of You Are The Diamond):

watch?v=KKtA-h_MTnk&context=C36bef40ADOEgsToPDskJWZZjCNeTsBicms23OSDoc

 

                       

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On Suffering and Compassion

By on January 18, 2012 in compassion, inspiration, peace, spirituality, Uncategorized
THICH NHAT HANH answers a retreatant’s question on what to do in the face of suffering. 

Dear Thay, I suffer a lot and I know that suffering is part of my practice. My suffering comes from two main things. One is that I have a chronic illness, which causes me a lot of physical pain. The other is that I am an activist and I care very deeply for the world. Sometimes I feel a lot of despair about what’s happening in the world around us, in terms of violence, poverty, and environmental destruction. What practices would you recommend for those of us who are living with physical pain or are in despair about the suffering of the world?

Thich Nhat Hanh: As activists we want to do something to help the world to suffer less. But we know that when we’re not peaceful, when we don’t have enough compassion in us, we can’t do much to help the world. We ourselves are at the center. We have to make peace and reduce the suffering in ourselves first, because we represent the world. Peace, love, and happiness must always begin here, with ourselves. There is suffering, fear, and anger inside of us, and when we take care of it, we are taking care of the world.

Imagine a pine tree standing in the yard. If that pine tree were to ask us what it should do, what the maximum is a pine tree can do to help the world, our answer would be very clear: “You should be a beautiful, healthy pine tree. You help the world by being your best.” That is true for humans also. The basic thing we can do to help the world is to be healthy, solid, loving, and gentle to ourselves. Then when people look at us, they will gain confidence. They will say, “If she can do that, I can do that too!”

So anything you do for yourself, you do for the world. Don’t think that you and the world are two separate things. When you breathe in mindfully and gently, when you feel the wonder of being alive, remember that you’re also doing this for the world. Practicing with that kind of insight, you will succeed in helping the world. You don’t even have to wait until tomorrow. You can do it right now, today.

The Buddha proposed so many ways to practice to reduce the pain in your body and in your emotions, and to reconcile with yourself. We have learned in this retreat that you can reduce physical pain through the practice of releasing tension in the body. Pain increases as a function of tension, and it can be reduced if we release the tension. You can practice relaxation in the lying or sitting position. You can also practice relaxation when you walk, and with every step you can help release the tension. Walk like a free person. Put things down, don’t carry anything, and feel light. There is a burden we always carry with us. The skill we need is how to lay down our burden in order to be light. If you sit, walk, or lie down like that, it’s very easy to release the tension and reduce the pain.

The Buddha said that you shouldn’t amplify your pain by exaggerating the situation. He used the image of someone who has just been hit by an arrow. A few minutes later, a second arrow strikes him in exactly the same spot. When the second arrow hits, the pain is not just doubled; it is many times more painful and intense.

So when you experience pain, whether it’s physical or mental, you have to recognize it just as it is and not exaggerate it. You can say to yourself, “Breathing in, I know this is only a minor physical pain. I can very well make friends and peace with it. I can still smile to it.”

If you recognize the pain as it is and don’t exaggerate it, then you can make peace with it, and you won’t suffer as much. But if you get angry and revolt against it, if you worry too much and imagine that you’re going to die very quickly, then the pain will be multiplied one hundred times. That is the second arrow, the extra suffering that comes from exaggeration. You should not allow it to arise. This is very important. It was recommended by the Buddha: Don’t exaggerate and amplify the pain.

~ Published in Shambhala Sun, November 2011

 
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The Heart of Compassion

By on January 11, 2012 in compassion, health, inspiration, spirituality, Uncategorized

Typically I eschew today’s news. As far as I’m concerned, good journalism died a long time ago, and the opinionated drivel that clogs the arteries of society is not worth my time and attention. We do however subscribe to a daily paper, just in case there is something major of which we need to be aware. Other than that, it’s Bizarro and Annie’s Mailbox which pretty much take me through my morning papaya. I always find it intriguing to discover what others deem critical enough to share on a national forum, and today it concerned a gal so repelled by her obese father that she just had to ask for help in managing her irritation. Annie’s response was that “Dad already feels worthless, so instead of anger and disgust, try compassion.” That got me going.

The term compassion gets tossed around a lot these days, with less regard than the word sympathy. To my mind, any of us can feel empathy or sympathy for another going through a tough time. Compassion, however, is a horse of a different color. Compassion itself has come to the fore largely due to the life work of such noble beings as the spiritual leader Tenzin Gyatso, more commonly known as Tibet’s 14th Dalai Lama. Even the Tibetans don’t toss the concept around lightly – they encourage a lifetime practice of sitting with ourselves in mindful meditation so that we might touch, among other things, the heart of genuine compassion.

You can understand how something this demanding differs from a sentiment like sympathy. Even Webster’s definition is dilute in its effort to express the depth of this character trait as the sympathetic consciousness of another’s distress together with a desire to alleviate it. Yet it becomes clear even then that this is simply not something we learn overnight. Sympathy or empathy are feelings that naturally arise when we observe another’s pain and can identify with it. Compassion derives from a committed inner practice and awareness of the pervasive nature of suffering itself. It is not a quality that can be elicited or forced before its time, much like the aging of a fine wine.

In typical Western fashion, many strive to attain overnight what Tibetan monks and nuns have achieved over a lifetime of dedicated service, having entered the monastic life as very small children. There’s nothing wrong with a desire to better ourselves, only let’s be realistic about what it takes to plumb the depths of our true being: a moment to moment awareness of our thoughts and intentions. Forgiveness of ourselves and others develops over time, where we discover what lies beyond inner walls of self hatred and blame.

Forgiveness itself may well be key, as most have someone or something hanging in that balance, and absolving ourselves can prove the most humbling of all. As we strive to bear no malice toward others – and this is not something we can simply say and it becomes so – we discover in the process that, in being sentient, we suffer. Awareness of this noble truth arises in an open heart. We begin to understand the lonely twisting pain of those who have wronged us – those who are not yet able to forgive others who have crushed their spirit and have little hope of exculpating themselves. And so in their ignorance, they pass it on. It is with an equal yet opposing force of determination that we may choose to commit ourselves to a path of peace, diligently cultivating the tenderness required for a compassionate existence. As Sogyal Rinpoche offers, “Compassion is not true compassion unless it is active.”

 

Tenzin Gyatso, The 14th Dalai Lama

 

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